.

Okay gentlemen-- yes, I'm looking at you, it's about time for a much needed lesson in common sense. Seriously guys, a few of you out there are making me ashamed to say that I have a penis-- so buck the fuck up, it's time to start god damn flying right. Now, I'm obviously not the most macho male on the face of the planet, and I have no desire to be-- but, that's not even close to what I'm talking about. I'm not saying that you have to rid yourself of your guilty pleasure chick flicks (..ahem), stop listening to your guilty pleasure chick music (...ahem again), or stop wearing your sister's panties to school (...I'm not the only one who does that, right?)... I'm talking about the basics here. I'm talking about not being a fucking retard on the myspace machine thinger. Because, seriously, a few of you are starting to drive me nuts.

First and foremost, the "I Would Do This For My Girlfriend" chain? Stop reposting it. I fucking beg of you. You're only passing it on, hoping that the chick you like will see it-- think you're oh so sensitive, and immediately let you stick your dick in her. Sorry, it doesn't work like that, and it clogs up my bulletin space in the process, pushing down the possibly interesting shit. Besides, we all know that once you DO woo the chick of your dreams, you're not going to do any of that shit anyway... you know, because you're SANE. So why bother saying that you would? Eh?

Those "Girlfriend Applications" have to go to. The broad you dig isn't going to take this as the golden opportunity to spill out her true feelings for you-- so stop fucking hoping. And stop making my eyes bleed with this bullshit.

I know that when you DO finally get the chick you like to see past your bullshit, you get all excited, and want to tell the world about it-- That still doesn't make it necessary for you to put up a default picture of you and your other half making out. It's fake. It's posed. It's fucking stupid. Whoever the hell started this trend needs to be shot in the fucking face. Right now. (I have a theory that half of you WANT to be dating JUST for these fucking pictures. Kill yourselves.)

And now for the big one-- It's time to face the fact that hot, barely dressed chicks DO NOT browse the Myspace directories for high school kids to fuck. It doesn't happen. It's a myth. Get over it. So, when you're Friend Requests box becomes filled with one of these:

Deny it and move on, because it's not a real chick. She wasn't interested in your profile. She doesn't want to fuck you. She's a dude advertising their porn site. Face it. Your default picture isn't that enticing to the opposite sex... and they don't really want to get to know you. You're ugly. Just like me. Just like the rest of us.

However, if you really want to amuse yourself for a couple of minutes, take a look at these "girls'" profiles, and the comments that fellow retarded males leave. I swear. You'll laugh your ass off at their stupidity. I've got a couple of highlights here from the twelve requests I've received today. (...Anyone getting a lot more than usual lately? Or is mine just attracting more spam for some reason?)


This mongoloid steroid monkey's profile page is a gem in itself. And is worth a look if you get a spare minute or two. Sadly, he probably does manage to pick up chicks with lines like "nice rack"... but, having your abs as a default picture speaks volumes about one's personality. Funny thing is, if this kid can even fucking read, I highly doubt he's ever been able to get through the entire twenty-two pages of a comic book. I wonder, then, what gave him the inspiration to debaucheries the name of the Man of Steel? One of life's great mysteries, I assume.


I'm sure that she'll get right on that, Dave =)

Am I wrong? Do chicks really find this stuff flattering? I mean, I'm sure the advertising agent of whatever porn site is in question here does... but real chicks? Have I been going about dating the wrong way? Is this really how it works? ...I need to find me some glitter graphics, then. Also, if this guy's page doesn't make your computer crash, you need to tell me where you bought yours. Because I'm jealous. I was GOING to use this one as the "really creepy guy" example... but then I found...

Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Someone check the sex offender registry. This mother fucker has GOT to be on it. If that doesn't DEFINE "creepy old man", I have no idea what does. If you really need a laugh... or just need a self esteem boost... go check out some of the comments he's left on other people's spaces. He has discourses with some of the porn spaces, tryin' to mack on them. Poor guy is probably just lonely, but, regardless- I'm keeping tabs on him. Something tells me that he's going to be fucking comic GOLD when I'm running out of material to post on.

Well, class, that's all for today. Seriously, gentlemen. Grow the fuck up.